


Home is where you find it

by RemnantsOfAnAwrySoul



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Closeted Characters, Comedian Richie Tozier, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Self-Acceptance, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nurse Eddie Kaspbrak, Oblivious Eddie Kaspbrak, Oblivious Richie Tozier, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, This sounds sad but I promise it'll get better, suicide attempt (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-08 10:53:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20834270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemnantsOfAnAwrySoul/pseuds/RemnantsOfAnAwrySoul
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak is a forever tired, overworked nurse who can't seem to catch a break. He's carried the guilt of situations in his past, ashamed of who he was back then; who he still is now. He's stuck in Derry Maine while everyone else managed to get away. With no friends and only having a controlling wife in his life, Eddie is about to go through a mid-life crisis.I have never had to write a summary before so please forgive me.





	1. The Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie follows the lives of all the members of the loser club and dreams of a different life. One night he accidentally likes an old friends photo. Richie, the asshole that he is, doesn't let the accident go unnoticed.   
Not all reunions are conventional. But then again, nothing was ever conventional about these two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired heavily by a project my friend Sam and I are working on. Sam you are the best, thank you for being with me on this journey of healing.

****Life in Derry Maine had always been something of a tragic backstory. One that most people had the chance to leave or break away from and never turn back. For Eddie Kaspbrak, he never got that chance. In his early twenties his mother had become very ill and needed assistance just to live day by day. As a man who loved his mother he decided to stay behind and help take care of her instead of pursuing a career. Because he grew up without a father or any other family he didn't feel like he had a choice, all they had was each other. It's all he knew. 

He took nursing classes at a neighboring college to help him better take care of his mother. Assisted living became a second hand nature to the ever so lonely man. He never got the chance to have a life of his own. The hours he spent at college were grueling when every single break he had his mother called him to complain. It was always about how much pain she was in, how sick she felt or how she had trouble moving around the house while he was gone. For fourteen years he was always by her side. He cooked, cleaned, shopped for and even bathed her. There's little he wouldn't do for his mother. 

At the tender age of thirty-four he lost his mother. She passed away due to a heart attack. Unfortunately for Eddie, he found out after her death her 'terminal illness' was a well orchestrated lie. Something she conjured up so her baby bird wouldn't leave the nest. And in the end she was the one who determined her fate. The coroner had told him with her excessive abuse of unneeded medications it had made her heart grow weak; unable to pump blood on it's own the same. 

Eddie had been at a loss for words and overwhelmed with feelings. When he found out he threw away his life for someone who was manipulating him it was something hard to cope with. Then he had to deal with the fact that he had lost the only support he had in his life, which that in itself was something else entirely. It's what led him into the arms of his wife, Myra Kaspbrak.

Myra was someone who resembled his mother is so many ways. What Eddie couldn't see was that they were all bad mirrored images of his mother. Her complete and utter control over him disguised as love, care and affection. The constant check-ups, phone calls and needy tenancies. Her hypochondriac nature that Eddie had grown used from his mother to had wore on his sanity. Every waking moment seemed to revolve around them, their health and other neurotic tendencies. His only solace was the few breaks he got at his job and the sleepless nights he couldn't spend in bed with his wife.

His phone had become a life-line to the nervous aging man. With things like YouTube, Instagram and other social medias he could dream about a better life. A life he could have had if he left Derry when he was twenty. He had spent many of his nights in the front room curled up in the aged recliner, phone inches from his face with his headphones on so as not to disturb his wife. The dark depths of the poorly lit room became his best friend, he found peace there.

On one especially rough night the nurse had found himself increasingly unable to sleep. His anxiety and general depression worsened to the point where it led him to be up for thirty-eight consecutive hours. He had watched all of Richie's new videos that were broadcasted from his latest show. It was funny as always but there was something about Richie's performances that felt, _ off _ . It wasn't the typical humor that he grew up with. He would almost **bet** that Richie didn't even write his own material. Eddie isn't sure _ why _ he always had the same routine when he couldn't sleep. He isn't sure _ why _ all of his free time was spent looking up the old friend to see what was going on in their life. Out of ** _everyone_ **, he couldn't figure out why he focused on Richie. 

Eddie decided to switch over to Instagram, a creature of habit who tended to fall into patterns. He took a moment to post the most recent selfie he had taken at work on break. The picture of him had his chin rested in the palm of his hand, the usual look of defeated written across his face. Definitely something that hasn't changed since his childhood. There were dark circles under his chocolate brown eyes, the colors popping against the baby blue of his scrubs. He had let his hair grow out a little over the years, too tired to constantly comb it in place. Which left him with a puff of messy hair atop his head. The man sighed to himself as he realized just how much he had aged over the years. He was self-conscious of all his wrinkles and budding grey hairs that he couldn't seem to pluck away. 

Regardless the man posted his selfie and scrolled through the rest of his Instagram feed. Everyone's life seemed so happy and healthy. Ben and Beverly posted pictures of them with their kids. Bill posted updates about the progress of his works along with photos of exotic coffees, his wife and children. Mike was travelling the United States going to different cultural organizations and volunteering in programs. And Stanley, probably the most successful of them all, seemed to be doing amazing with his loving wife. There was an ache that grew in his chest. Why was his own life so vastly different from everyone else's. Especially compared to the man who's picture he stared at in that moment. 

Richie 'Trash Mouth' Tozier. Big famous comedian who seemed to live a fast paced life of laughs and looked amazing. Envy is definitely the first emotion that Eddie felt after seeing every photo. The other looked so happy and content in life; happy about the fact that he's as far away from Maine as possible. The exhausted nurse recognized the outfit from a recent show. The ferret looking fucker wore a perfectly fit leather jacket over a white v-neck and a nice pair of tight jeans. _ Fuck this guy for looking so good at his age. _ He had stared at the image for so long he mistakenly liked the image.

  
A sense of dread and panic washed over him when he realized the mistake he had made. As quick as he could he unliked the image and clicked his phone's screen off. His heart raced as he clutched the electronic to his chest.  
  
_ 'He won't get notified if it's redacted, right?’ _

**\- Richie POV - **

Richard ‘trash mouth’ Tozier had it all, or so that is what it appeared to look like to the general public. He had a decent amount of money, fame, and stability. He had a steady job making people laugh, something he had enjoyed since childhood. You never work a day in your life if you love what you do, right? He had a nice apartment and enough income from his stand-up shows and occasional advertisement cameos to not have to worry about the bills. This middle-aged man had it all. And yet, there was an emptiness inside of him. One that had been growing ever since he left his hometown, his closest friend.

Richie had tried to be social outside of his job. Any time he would try to make friends they wouldn’t stick around for longer than a month. Everyone out here that he ran into seemed faked, or they wanted something from him. The comedian had no family besides his mother. She was one of the few people that he actually liked speaking with or spending time around. Hell, the only person he enjoyed being around anymore. 

Oh and don’t get him started on the nightmare of trying to date in LA. He had no steady partner, either he’d get bored or they were only around for the pure fact that he was _ a little _ famous. So despite the surprising amount of progress he'd made on his own self-image and acceptance, ‘thank you, 21st century’, he still felt disconnected. His inability to connect to someone, it was something that still made him feel as if he was broken. Richie knew how to make others laugh, _ not how to make them happy _ . He knew what made people smile, even if making _ one person _ smile seemed impossibly more difficult than making a thousand people smile.

Richard being gay didn't help. And it certainly didn't add to the whole_ ‘struggling to relate to others’ _ ordeal. He was a comedian who just _ wasn't good _ around others, not at a personal level at least. Him erasing a lifetime’s worth of self-hatred for his lack of interest in women was still a work-in-progress. Don’t get him wrong, he had definitely made progress, though it wasn’t much in his own opinion. But him being pissed off enough at his own lonely depression to stop giving a shit how others' viewed his sexuality helped.

But all of that still didn't fix the fact that he couldn't connect with a single fucking person. _ ‘At least I'm out of Derry’ _ , he thought at least once a week. _ ‘Any place, _ ** _any fucking place_ ** _ , was better than Derry’ _.

It had been many years since he'd spoken to The Losers. And if he had been honest with himself, he never really moved on. Mike and Stan had all but disappeared from social media, _ what he could find at least _ . Bill was married and he was pretty sure he had kids. Beverly and Ben were still together. And you know what, fuck Ben because he continued to look like a fuckin' hot ass soccer player. Bev, she had clearly made a wise choice. And Eddie? Well, he didn't know where Eddie was nowadays. The thought made Richie sad, his chest felt tight at the realization. The little asthamtic dweeb was the one person he couldn’t bring himself to look up. Though he never put two and two together as to why, or he purely ignored it all together. Yeah, Richie was pretty great at ignoring things that made him feel anything, _ undesirable. _

He found himself doing what he never did, he checked his social media. He hadn't posted in awhile and never posted more than his job required of him. He mindlessly scrolled through his notifications to avoid his urge to look the other up on Instagram. Last time he tried he had closed the application immediately. Just when he was about to close it a notification made him stop in his tracks.

**ⓔkaspbrak **liked your image.

...Hello? Earth to Richie Fucking Tozier. He was so shocked and surprised he couldn’t move, think or speak. It was as if the man had short circuited. His mouth gaped open as he held onto the device in disbelief. It is almost as if the universe was forcing him to deal with his shit. He had closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _ ‘It’s just a notification, calm down jackass.’ _ He slowly opened his eyes then clicked on the notification only to have nothing pop up. The like was gone. 

_ ‘Motherfucker’ _ , he thought wildly and smiled to himself. How many _ ekaspbrak's _ were there in the world? _ ‘Not fucking many’, _ he thought with a sense of excitement. He left himself no time to think about _ why _ he felt excited before he clicked on the profile name. He was met with a wall of images, images that were undeniably his Eddie Kaspbrak. His heart raced and even skipped a few beats as he read the saddest excuse of a Bio.  
  
‘ **ⓔkaspbrak**  
Edward, 39, Nurse.’

Richie couldn’t help but laugh to himself. This little prick had liked and then unliked his photo. _ ‘You funny little bitch.', _ he thought to himself. He could picture Eddie doing it honestly, liking it on accident then in a hurried rush unliking it. Most likely even liking the picture then regretting it, and immediately doing the same thing all over again. Nervous, paranoid, anxious little Eddie. He smiled at all of his treasured memories, all the time they spent together. The other seemed just like the boy Richie remembered all those years ago, the boy who made him begin to question his sexuality.

_ ‘We won't go down that route,' _ he thought to himself. ' _ No way. Not dropping that bomb on him. But I am gonna taunt the shit out of him for this.' _ Richie grinned to himself and tapped the DM button on Eddie's page and began to type.

  
**ther.tozier: **you know, if you wanted a private shoot, all ya had to do was ask, eds.


	2. Gentle Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie hasn't slept for a couple days, Richie is drunk yet again. They both try to be open but fail miserably. Can they really pick up where they left off all those years ago?

The overworked nurse's day had been long and so very tiresome. He barely had time to go to the bathroom _ twice _ it was so chaotic. Taking a double shift when he had barely slept for three hours in days was such a terrible idea. When did working nonstop at the hospital become better than relaxing at home? _ Home _. He huffed to himself, if that's what he could call it anymore. He sighed as he shook his head, now was not the time to delve into that rabbit hole.   
  
With his shift over he stood in the employee area, his back was against the wall as he stared at the storage containers in front of him. He felt exceptionally hollow inside, a feeling he knew was more than pure exhaustion. Eddie had been despondent with his existence, he had been for numerous years now. But anyone who felt _ confined _ for as long as he had would come to the same conclusion.   
  
The drained man pushed himself off the wall and toward his cube. All he needed to do was grab his keys, phone and wallet then he could go his way. His usual caramel macchiato frappe with extra drizzle called his name. That minute pleasantry he looked forward to made him smile to himself as he checked his phone. He paused in his stride with his brows knit together, he saw a symbol he hadn't seen before. He had received a message? How peculiar. No one had ever messaged him through Instagram before. Therefore he clicked it instead of waiting.  
  
**_ther.tozier:_** _you know, if you wanted a private shoot, all ya had to do was ask, eds.  
  
_His phone crashed harshly onto the scratched tile instantly after he realized _ who _ sent the message. Eddie was indebted to his past self for spending the extra money for an Otter-box phone case. If he hadn't, his phone would be broken beyond repair. His hands trembled as he picked up his phone. The screen hadn't been cracked which was good. Unfortunately, the message was still there on display. It wasn't a hallucination or him having misread the message. No.   
  
It was from the real Richie fucking Tozier.

The message mocked him, literally. The universe had a fucked up sense of humor. He stood there for several minutes trying to come up with something witty to say back to his old friend, anything that would resemble their banter from all those years ago. _ However _, his brain was too fried from work. "Fuck." he cursed himself when he realized he had nothing. 

**ⓔkaspbrak:** I have no idea what you are talking about.

He sighed when he shoved his phone in the pocket of his baby blue scrubs. If Richie was anything like when they were young Eddie was in trouble. _ It looked like Edward Kaspbrak was going to skip his coffee tonight. _ The small man's heart threatened to beat from his chest after that humiliation. He couldn’t walk it to his car fast enough, as if he was physically trying to avoid the problem and feelings attached to it. Maybe just like every other problem in Eddie’s life, he could suppress it, put it off for another day.

Richie’s day had been long and mentally exhausting. He had two interviews, one smaller routine, _ another fucking photo shoot _ and then a handful of meetings. Between each and every session he was in throughout the day he kept checking his phone, not understanding why he felt disappointed each time when he saw Eddie hadn’t messaged him back. Honestly, he didn't expect a response back. He dared not hope for such a thing, refused to even acknowledge that Eddie checked his Instagram _ at all. _ The little message had been impulsive, setting himself up for disappointment and sadness down the line. Eddie had his own life now, a life outside of Richie.

Richie frowned as he sat on his couch in his empty place, scotch in hand as he began to contemplate his existence one sip at a time. Which was something the comedian did quite often. Questioning if in fact leaving Derry was the right call. If leaving Eddie was worth it. One thing was for certain, leaving Derry was something he couldn’t avoid. It wasn’t safe for someone like him to live there. But if he knew that Eddie was never going to leave...he knows he probably would’ve stayed. Even if it killed him in the process. No one deserves to live in that place alone. Especially not an innocent guy like Edward Kaspbrak.  
  
Just as he finished his glass of liquid antidepressant, that undeniable little symbol appeared at the top of Richie's phone. He rolled his eyes at his own boyish hopefulness, fans message him daily there’s a slim chance this is one is from the man who’s running his mind lately. His childhood crush still managed to spark excitement in Richie's chest, he’d be frustrated by it if he didn’t enjoy the feeling. It was silly and purely nostalgic, what he felt at eleven couldn’t possibly mean anything substantial now, at forty. Still, seeing Eddie's face again warmed and excited him all at once. He had ended up more handsome, filled out into a nice frame and grew exponentially tired by the looks of it. Richie could see the wariness in Eddie's eyes, something that had been there for as long as he could remember. He wondered if Eddie was happy.

Regardless, Eddie had actually messaged him back. He denied the fact he ever liked his post in the first place. Of course he would, Richie snorted to himself and started to type out a message before he deleted it. He had a better idea to make the other sweat a little. Instead of responding, he scrolled back through his Instagram, screenshotted the notification, cropped it slightly, and sent it back without any comment. At this point he was laughing out loud when he walked to the kitchen to grab another drink for himself. Socked feet landed with soft thuds against the wooden floor boards. Tonight was going to get interesting, he truly believed that.

This was typical, Eddie-Richie banter. Just like when they were kids. He didn’t stop the way he smiled, allowed himself the comfort and joy of nostalgic memories to make him happy, even just for a little bit. He had loved this awkward fool then, and the memory of loving him felt _ good. _ The memories of fear however ruined any hope he had. He wondered how Eddie remembered him, wondered what he must think of him now. Did he resent Richie for how things ended, how he left. He wondered if the other had a family yet, wife or kids. There was that one woman he saw in one of Eddie’s selfies. 

Richie sighed to himself as he poured a hefty glass of amber liquid. The glass found its way to his lips all too fast, taking it all in one fluid motion. The glass hit the countertop hard and his hands were shaking. Richie was prone to emotional spiraling, jumping to conclusions and the usual self deprecation. This was hopeless, his feelings, that much he knew. He had nobody close to him, there must be a reason for that. With mild embarrassment it dawned on him that, the last close person in his life had been Eddie himself. His hands continued to shake when he poured himself a third glass, his day was over anyways. It didn’t matter if he got completely hammered, again. He'd leave the other well enough alone if Eddie had no interest in being his friend anymore.

The drive home seemed unbearably long for Edward Kaspbrak, he swore he hit every red light possible. There was a disgusting amount of sweat as his thin hands gripped tightly to the steering wheel. He wished he understood why he was so worked up, or why he stared at his garage door for over half an hour. The man was frozen, he spent so many years quietly keeping tabs on all his old friends and to have a slip up like this was detrimental to his sanity. He threw his head back against his head rest while he squeezed his eyes shut. One way or another, he was going to face the music. Slowly he got out of his vehicle and approached the home he shared with his wife, he made sure to be quiet enough so she stayed asleep. That was the _ last _ thing he needed to deal with.

The wearied man sat at his worn down kitchen table with his favorite mug in both hands. Brown eyes stared sadly into the shifting liquid. He decided tea would be better on his stomach than coffee since his nerves were so worked up. Not to mention it’s nearing midnight and caffeine is a terrible idea regardless. Eddie had refused to so much as _ look _ at his phone since he got home. The phone had burned a hole in his pocket but he wouldn't- he _ couldn't _ sit and obsess over the response and how much of an idiot he was. 

_ 'I have no idea what you're talking about.' _ he mocked himself out loud and moved his head with each word, eyebrows raised, he looked like a crazy person. What a complete and utter ** _fool_ ** he was. Not only did it make him look incompetent of being able to handle any social interactions but also- He slowly brought the mug to his lips and took a soothing sip, eyes slipped shut when the warm liquid hit his throat. Eddie had gotten better about stopping those negative trains of thought. The man knew that all of this was irrational, he needed to quit being childish and check his phone.

On autopilot he didn't bother to check his notifications, instead he opted to open Instagram. There was indeed a notification in his app. A small red circle was in the top right corner on what looked like a paper airplane. "Shit." he muttered to himself as his fingers came up to his mouth, he bit his nails when he was nervous. A feeling dispersed across his chest, something similar to when he felt nervous with a hint of giddy. It made him feel like a school boy all over again. He was an adult for god sake, his balls had dropped and he needs to act like it.

**_ther.tozier:_** _▷Photo Sent_

Eddie had stared at the message that sat in his inbox, thumb hovered over it for what felt like hours. He refused to give himself time to think about what the image could contain. His mind didn't immediately go somewhere else. And what he saw made him outwardly groan with embarrassment, face contorted into something pitiful. Richie had _ proof _. Eddie's head went forward and hit the table, "Fuck me.". Well, there was no going back from that. The nurse had to pry himself off of the tables surface just enough to reply. He chewed on his bottom lip as he began to panickedly type out a reply that turned into several, without a doubt he instantly regretted it.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** It was an accident, I didn't mean to like the picture.

No that sounded stupid, he shook his head and held his finger down on the message. He tried to delete it but quickly realized he couldn't. "Fuck." His heart pounded in his chest as his mouth went dry. Time to try and save his ass. _ ‘Be smooth Kaspbrak.’ _

**ⓔkaspbrak:** Not that I don't like the picture cause I do.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** What I meant was that you looked good.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** You know, for your age.   
**ⓔkaspbrak:** I'm going to stop now.   
  
His face connected with the table once more, he should have known he’d make a fool of himself. He always did. Richie had settled himself back on his luxurious couch, remote in hand as he flipped through the channels, another scotch in hand. From time to time he found it harder and harder to sleep, alcohol only helped so much. He drank too often for it to affect him the way it did other people. If he was a stronger man he’d admit he had a problem and fix the issues he had, but he quit caring what people thought about him. He was already in so deep and he knew he didn’t have the stability or support system for the sobriety to last. He sighed through his nose as he took a slow lingering sip, the stupid infomercial he did was on the television. Those low paying gigs he did just because he had nothing better to do, or a contract he had to fill with a certain agency. Some days he really hated this life style- hated his job 

Richie had only half-expected his old friend to reply. He doesn't know how much Eddie had changed in the years they'd been apart. Had they had Instagram back when they were kids, the conversation would have been a never-ending snark fest, with each insult fired between the two more creative than the next. People had to grow up sometime however. Richie knew that because most days, he feels like he never did. Always behind and struggling to catch up, another problem he had when he tried to connect to people. 

There was an itch in the back of his buzzed mind, something that told him to check his instagram for the _ millionth _ time. His inbox was full as always, he scrolled down to find the specific username. ‘ _ There are new messages, holy shit.’ _ He clicked it all too excitedly, eyes lit up as he set his glass on the coffee table in front of him. The first message caused Richie to raise an eyebrow in mild surprise. As the succession of several followed, he found himself laughing harder than he had in what felt like a lifetime. Every word, even across a messaging service, was so uniquely _ Eddie _ he almost couldn't believe it. Richie decided he was going to respond immediately. Thanking himself for having had alcohol before all of this happened.

** _ther.tozier:_ ** for my age? does that mean im ed sheeran ugly-hot or johnny depp crazy hot?   
**_ther.tozier:_ ** my tender age boasts the most handsome of men, and id like to include myself among them thank you very much.  
**_ther.tozier:_ ** you know youre almost pushing ed sheeran ugly-hot. keep at it and you might inherit more of your moms good looks, soon enough.  
**_ther.tozier:_ ** you dug yourself this hole kaspbrak. im just here to provide the shovel. 

He sent them all one after another without a single break or thought, proud of himself for not making a single typo. Even a little saucy he’s still got it, little Eddie Bear was going to get the teasing he’s missed out on over the last twenty some odd years. The look never left Richie’s face, his smile was crooked broken. He could picture what Eddie looked like when he sent those messages. Fumbling in embarrassment most likely, trying too hard to cover up his harmless mistake. If a couple of Instagram messages told him anything, Eddie hadn't changed one bit.

Edward Kaspbrak's eyes never left his screen, he wasn't sure why he stared at it considering that wouldn't change the outcome of how long it would take for Richie to respond. He's fucking famous for Christ sake, the hell is wrong with you Kaspbrak? _ Why did this make his heart race and his chest tighten? _

Just as sweaty palms were about to click his screen off, the messages started to fly in. He isn’t sure whether he should feel lucky that Richie responded instantly so they can talk or terrified because, ** _they can talk about how much of an idiot he was_ ** . When the first one came he saw the other pause and start typing so he waited not so patiently. His foot bounced off the tile flooring while he chewed on his nails. Seeing this happen live was, well, _ sort of thrilling to his dull life if he were honest. _All embarrassment aside.

A wicked smile grew across Eddie's face, he hadn't smiled like this in years. That fucking googly eyed bastard hadn't changed one bit, still running his mouth as sarcastic as ever. He wondered if Richie could still take it as good as he gave it. The nurse couldn't contain the shit eating grin on his face as he typed his response in a frenzy, he left the other zero time to respond or interrupt his thought process.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** Oh fuck you Richie.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** You know what? I take it back.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** You look like a disease ridden ferret who needs to be put out of its misery.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Scratch that. What you look like is whatever that ferret shits out.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Make sure to let me borrow that shovel when you're done so I can bury you myself. 

Part of Eddie wished that his best friend had never left Derry. But then the better half of him knew better than to think that. He knows Richie well enough to figure he's happier being as far away from this hell as possible. He wondered to himself if Richie ever missed him, ever thought about the times they shared. Thankfully he didn’t have long to reminisce when he saw the other type. Richie's jaw went slack and he scoffed, impressive motherfucker. _ Eddie still had it. _ He shook his head, bemusement sparkled in his wide eyes as he stared at his phone screen. His mouth curled into a smirk as warmth spread across his chest, jump-starting his heartbeat into a live-wire beat. He sat up straighter and fixed his glasses, Eddie was in for it now.

**ther.tozier:** projecting a little are we?  
**ther.tozier:** and here i thought that was just ur type.  
**ther.tozier:** actually, I KNOW THATS JUST UR TYPE. ur one of those innocent types that are secretly into shit that i dont even wanna think about. shit i dont even JOKE about.  
**ther.tozier:** regardless. im flattered you think of me that way eddiebear. B) 

Richie snorted, shaking his head as the smirk lingered on his face. He knew the ins and outs of how to gross Eddie out without crossing the anxiety line. Throwing in a nickname he heard their entire childhood was just a freebie. Everything seemed so easy, it was like they had never spent any time apart at all. Eddie was damn near speechless as his tired eyes watched the messages roll in. He is almost convinced he’s in some alternate universe where Richie never aged and was still as immature as he was when they were children. After all these years he didn’t have any new material? What a shame. Lucky for him, the old friend still loved every moment of this.  
  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** The only way you're my type is if you were the last person on the planet. And even then I'd opt for celibacy.   
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Speaking of which, why are you so focused on what I'm into Richie?   
**ⓔkaspbrak:** How often do you think about me that way? Must be all the time if you're so sure of yourself.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Come to think of it.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** I'm the one who should be flattered. 

Each message was typed faster than the last, his heart and face were sore. He hadn’t smiled this much since just before Richie left town. Those last few months together were something special to him that he’ll hold onto for a lifetime, even if Richie was all the way on the other coast. The comedian nearly did a spit take at the first message. “Okay, ouch.” both eyebrows were raised to the fucking ceiling, this little bitch was brutal wasn’t he? _ Celibacy _, how the hell was he supposed to counteract that without going too far. 

**ther.tozier:** daaaaaamn dude. u shoot straight for the dick huh?  
**ther.tozier:** what can i say. after all these years im curious.  
**ther.tozier:** u should be too when youve got a hot shot comedian in your dms, eds.   
**ther.tozier:** dont worry so much tho, theres plenty of me to go around. ;-* (winking kiss emoji) 

Richie smirked to himself as he got up to get a glass of water. He wanted to be more sober than he was right now because for once in his miserable life, he was enjoying himself. Enjoying time with an old friend. There was a long ass pause on Eddie’s end because...** _was Richie kidding or serious?_ ** His brows furrowed in concentration that mixed with frustration. It was always so hard to tell with Richie and impossible over text. But he decided to just roll with it. He figured they haven’t spoken in over twenty years so what does it matter if he crosses a line and never hears from the other again.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** I must be a pretty good shot considering there isn't much there.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Hey Richie, I can see your vagina from the East Coast.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Wait a second...  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Wait.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** You say there's a hot-shot comedian in my DMs?   
**ⓔkaspbrak:** I only see you in here...hmm...weird. 

Eddie couldn’t help the way he laughed after he pressed send on that last message. He was always the type of person to make himself laugh, even at jokes that weren’t funny. Part of him didn’t care when his tea went cold, even though it’s _ much _ better warm. Richie fell back on the couch unceremoniously with his new drink, a much healthier option. He cursed to himself when he noticed he spilled a good amount on his jeans. “Shit.” he muttered to himself as he wiped them off, what a mood killer. He sighed when he picked up his phone, it was really late on the East Coast so he assumed Eddie probably went to bed like the goodie two shoes he was. 

That thought died in its tracks when he saw the name was bold, “The dweeb is still awake, I’ll be damned.” Blurry eyes blinked a few times, wide eyes scanned across the screen. He covered his face with his hand as he laughed, his eyes nearly filled with tears this shit was so funny. He couldn’t stop himself when he fell backwards on the couch, head thrown back with his arm laying over his face. He laughed like a mad man as his glasses dropped to the floor. God, he loved this idiot more than he had any right to. If anything he was better than before. Able to roast Richie ‘trashmouth’ Tozier like this was truly a skill. He fumbled to find his glasses with his free hand, the other one wiped the tears out of his eyes. It took a minute but he finally caught his breath. 

Eddie had started to grow nervous when he saw the other didn’t respond to his messages. His lips were worn raw from the way he chewed them, a few spots bled but he wouldn’t worry about that until later. He was seconds away from typing out a lengthy apology before he saw the three tiny dots dance on the screen. 

**ther.tozier:** can you?? good thing you looked then. because i saved it just for you. (heart eyes emoji)  
**ther.tozier:** LMAO im fucking hilarious and you know it every minute youre awake.  
**ther.tozier:** you DREAM about it. admit it kaspbrak.  
**ther.tozier:** dont even convince me otherwise. i will fly over there and fuck you up with my comedic genius.  
**ther.tozier:** actually. i will fly over there, fuck your mom, and then fuck you with my comedic brilliance. 

Eddie’s smile had grown tenfold as his hand slid over his face to hide the embarrassment. The your mom jokes, still, come on Tozier. Richie was, and always had been, _ a little shit _. Of course this would never change. Eddie almost bets that the ferret faced asshole sat there and waited on purpose, to make him sweat and regret being so mean. He knows better than anyone else that he was quick to feel guilty, it’s what made Richie win all those years ago. Too bad for the comedian because he isn’t the same little asthmatic dork he was back then. He almost wished he didn’t have to shower and sleep for work in the morning, this had been so much fun he wanted to do it all night. 

**ⓔkaspbrak:** Considering I forgot you existed until a few days ago, you must be losing your touch.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** And I think you have something backwards buddy.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** We both know you dream about me.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** But I guess I'll be waiting a long time to get fucked considering the key words you used in the same sentence were "my", "genius" and "brilliance".  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Which is a shame because I was just about to take a shower. 

It was a joke, they always joked. The fact that most of the time they joked about his mom and gay things were irrelevent. Who cares if secretly Eddie always harbored some _ truth _ behind his words, behind his flirting disguised as being a dick. There hasn’t been a day since Richie left that he hasn’t thought about him and wondered about all the ways things could have been different. If the comedian stayed or if Eddie left. He sighed as he set the phone down on the table face down. Two thin hands came up and combed harshly through unruly hair. Why did things always have to be so complicated? 

Truthfully, Richie hadn't thought about Eddie for some time. Nonetheless, his memories of him were fond, heartfelt, and comforting. If not bridled with confusion, at times. His hysterical laughter was traded for a soft smile and a warmth that spread across his chest. He wished he never stopped thinking about little Eduardo all of these years, but it was just too painful to keep recollecting. He shook his head as he started to sit up, his thoughts were getting all too real. His first instinct was to grab for his glass of scotch but he knew better, instead he grabbed the water that was sweating all over his coffee table. Not too far off from how the dishevelled comedian looked. He typed out the first response without thought, regretting almost instantly.

**ther.tozier:** I do, Eds.

Richie stopped for a moment when he realized how truthful that message was. How quick he was to admit that was a little scary. He used to actively dream about the other, conscious and subconscious. He still did every now and again have a dream or two about his distant friend. Strange, confusing dreams, usually. But they were never unpleasant. Good thing it’s easy for him to play this off as a joke. Deflection was the true power Richie Tozier held. And since he’s gotten a lot more sober, it can be coherent and maybe look like he has a brain cell or two left to know how to type back properly.

**ther.tozier:** Believe it or not, I'm a patient man. (shrug emoji)  
**ther.tozier:** Long time or not, I have zero doubt you'd wait as long as it took.  
**ther.tozier:** A shower sounds great honestly, be sure to send pics darlin'. (winking kissing emoji)

Richie almost didn't send that last message. He was walking a dangerous, thrilling line with a childhood friend and crush that would be downright inappropriate with anyone else. Eddie didn't mind, he knew that. Right? Richie hoped so. Oh boy, well, Eddie couldn't really process what the literal fuck just happened over the last thirty minutes...or hour. Who could keep track of time when this type of conversation was happening. Eddie had been overtly bold, _ far _ more bold than he ever would be normally. But that's how things always were with him and Richie, it should be the same after all these years, right? He rubbed at his temples, annoyed with himself for dropping his phone when his eyes fell on the last message. The last thing he needed to do was wake up Myra. 

_ send pics   
_Why did it spark something in his chest, a hint of excitement and other confusing emotions. This was a joke, had to be a joke, Richie wasn't being serious. Even if there were whispers in LA about the famous Comedian being Gay. Paparazzi and everyone else swearing they had proof but, Eddie would never believe it. Sure they experimented when they were younger but that was _ well _ over twenty some odd years ago. Just being young and hormone driven, confused. Eddie always was the one to instigate it, poor Richie just went along with it. It didn't really mean anything. _ Well it did to him but Richie didn't need to know that. _ And just as he was about to finally reply with something snarky and smartass...Richie sent one more. 

** _ther.tozier:_ ** _ As you can see, I'm the same piece of shit you know and love. Sorry for being gross. I guess I never really changed much. _

A lot of time had passed by, too much time. Richie knew the comment went too far, beep beep Richie was always on repeat in the addicts mind. He knew the only way to make things right was to send one more, a form of apology. And after he did just that he all but threw his phone on the other couch. Everything was going so well and he just _ had _ to ruin, of course he did. Richie ruined everything he ever touched. “Fuck this.” He grabbed for the abandoned amber liquid and downed it in one swift motion. He can’t handle the fact that he ran the other off. “One joke too many Trashmouth.” He pushed himself off the couch, mood altered and unstable as he walked back to the kitchen. He forgoed the cup, instead he brought back the bottle. Tonight was going to be another long sleepless, _ lonely _ night.

Eddie gawked at his phone for at least five minutes. Wait a fucking minute. _Richie was being fucking serious._ **_Richie wanted pictures, of him._** A raging blushed crept across his cheeks, what...what was this feeling he had right now? A sense of dread, panic, excitement and thrill- among other things he couldn't put words to. His foot bounced against the hard tile as he bit his nails, did he really consider- no, no way. That would be inappropriate on so many levels. Eddie isn't sure what got into him or how he found himself making a move to the bathroom. His feet were quick but quiet as he moved to the main bathroom. His back and head were rested against the wooden door, his heartbeat was erratic. He took a deep breath and shook his head, “I’m not going to do this.” as if to convince himself possibly, he wasn’t sure why.

The awkward nurse stood in front of the mirror. He looked back at himself, with his phone clenched to his chest. The frown seemed so permanent now-a-days, the deep circles under his eyes only seemed to grow darker. The only thing that didn’t match was the red that seemed to dance across his skin. This wasn't a good idea, this was a _ terrible _ idea. He's married, self conscious about his body, unclean and there are so many other reasons why he shouldn't. But he felt as if he was out of his own body as he watched his reflection in the mirror. Ever so slowly he pulled up his shirt before taking a picture in selfie form. 

He stared at the picture of him on his phone. It was a picture of his chest. In the top of the image you could see Eddie's small hand holding up a pale blue scrub shirt just above his collar bone. His chest was sprinkled with the slightest bit of hair, mostly brunette with hints of silver. There was a deep red blush that melted down nearly kissing his nipples that were pert. The nurse had filled out a bit since they last saw each other, the very thin man had gained a little bit of weight. Call it a midlife crisis, but he clicked send before he abandoned his phone on the sink. He needed a cold shower, fast.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** ▷Photo Received

Richie had been joking, for the most part. That was one constant about the comedian, everything out of his mouth was a half truth half joke combination. He didn’t really expect Eddie to _ actually _ send him a picture, nor did he really expect Eddie to think he was serious. But it didn’t matter because he already knew he fucked up. He had the bottle half way drank before he decided to drag himself over to the other couch. Being away from his phone for more than half an hour annoyed him. The notification on his phone sent his eyebrows shooting up his forehead. “No fuckin’ way.” he slurred as he adjusted his glasses and clicked the notificaton. Strange, there was no text just an image. Richie groaned as he rolled his head, over exaggerating in his drunken stupor. He fully expected it to be some gross picture of a hobo off the internet, or a picture of Eddie's own mother. He deserved that after all for sending that message in the first place. He opened it without much thought and dropped his phone in the process.

_ ‘Hello, earth to Richie goddamn Tozier, pick up your fucking phone you drunk bastard.’ _ he thought to himself as he fell off the couch to reach his phone. His hands shook and he couldn’t close his mouth. It was a picture of no doubt his best friends chest- _ naked _ chest. He could see the scar just below his collar bone, from when they both had got too rough with each other and fell down that large hill. Eddie had actually, truly, rendered Richie speechless. A feat not even his own parents could accomplish. He gaped at his phone, his face turned a bright red as he blinked in numb surprise. He hastily wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. If he wasn’t so drunk he’d probably be as hard as humanly possible.

All at once he was thrown off-balance. Forced to rethink everything he had thought about Edward Kaspbrak during their childhood. ‘_ Am I supposed to believe those make-out sessions were actually indicative of something other than my own, raging homosexuality? Because rest in fucking pieces to Eddie's sanity if he's been struggling with the same damn thing all these years.’ _ Maybe he was- maybe he had, it’s not like Richie would know. Really, it made sense. They had both been total wrecks as children with no means of knowing how they felt or who they were. Or at least, no way of knowing how to _ talk _ about it. Richie had spent years grappling with it before he had to force himself not to care and to remember what being gay meant. It meant that he was able to love somebody like Eddie. A kind person who knew him inside and out, though he’d never tell the other that.

The drunk man got off his knees and sat on the floor, he leaned his back against the couch. His legs were crossed with his elbows rested on his knees, bloodshot eyes looked down at the picture some more. Richie waited for the image to become something different, because this_ can't _be real. His inbox might as well be Grindr, for Christ's sake. Richie was now aptly turned on and more confused than he had been in years, but not in a bad way at all. He huffed a quiet breath of disbelief, his cheeks still burnt red as he shook his head.

**ther.tozier:** u look. really fukcin good.  
**ther.tozier:** i mean that. 

Richie stared at his phone for another long moment, as if expecting something to click into practical sense. Something to make him stop the train of texts he wanted to send. To go on about every detail he found most appealing, everything he wanted to do to that picture, _ what he planned to do with that picture _ . But that was just rambled thoughts of a man five sheets to the wind. “Be smooth buddy, he could still be fuckin’ with ya.” he slurred to himself, _ ‘Throw in a joke just incase. Don’t get your hopes up.’ _

**ther.tozier:** u look less feret-like than i expected, old man. emphasis on old.

He took a deep shaky breath, it took over five attempts to correct every drunk typo. Before he could even process the ramifications of his next message, he clicked send.

**ther.tozier:** and i miss yoi a ton.

Richie wanted to send him one in return, but he dared not take any this further. He was, to be truly, sincerely honest with himself, terrified of the outcome. Not to mention he couldn’t blind the other with the gross dad bod he had hidden under layers of clothes. He looked down at his stomach and placed a hand on it, the frown grew as he suppressed the urge to cry over it. Richie hated his body, no matter how many people he had slept with he had zero confidence. His hand shook when he took another hold of the bottle, no one was here to see him cry into the bottle. What did it matter?

Eddie had thrown himself in the shower immediately after he sent that picture. He had ran into trouble when he tried to control the wave of emotions that had. The arousal was the cherry on top of it all. A thin hand settled on the slick tile, his head hung low under the cold water. His balls ached and his chest was tight as he held onto himself. However, his hand never moved beyond that, he couldn't cross that line- not again. It had been a ** _long_ ** time since he'd masterbated. He- he isn't gay. This, this was just him and an old friend being stupid again and it got carried away. He was married to a woman like he was supposed to be. Had a house and a full time job. Edward Kaspbrak had a **normal** life, like he was supposed to have. _ So why the fuck did this also feel right? _

He growled to himself frustrated beyond belief. His fist clenched against the tiled wall before he dropped it with a defeated sigh. He had stood in the shower for nearly an hour, the freezing water eventually did its job. He stared blankly at the curtain with his back against the recently cleaned tiles that were cold as ice. What the fuck was he doing with his life? He knew he wasn't happy, how could he be. He knew he was miserable, Myra was unbearable to live with. She suffocated him, screamed at him, scared him, threatened him- the list was expansive. Ever so slowly he slid down the wet walls and brought his knees to his chest as he began to softly sob into his knees. Little did Eddie know, on the other side of the nation, Richie was falling apart just the same.

Eventually he stopped his emotional outburst, decades of repressed thoughts had to come back and bite him. He knew that. Both hands turned off the faucets, even though the water was off he sat there for a few more minutes, cold droplets of water fell onto his cheeks from his shaggy hair. It took him a little longer than he’d like to admit but he got out. He was in his own world at that point, empty and dead inside- stuck on autopilot like most days. As dried himself off he noticed the blue light on his phone was blinking, he had a notification. _ ‘Oh fuck, that’s right, shit shit shit.’ _His gut sank when he remembered what he did. It was Richie no doubt. Teasing him for being enough of an idiot to actually send a pic or how ridiculous he must be for doing it. Hell, something. He was Richie after all, he knew exactly what to say to rile the small man up.

Damp hands grabbed the electronic device and pressed the notification. The brunette had stood there for a moment, dazed by what he saw on the screen. His brows were knit together tightly, “Huh.” There was no teasing, no name calling, no rejection and actually a compliment. _ Oh. _ And last but not least, an 'I miss you'. Richie ‘no feelings’ Tozier, missed him. ** _Oh._ ** These messages were entirely too much to process and he was confused beyond belief. Yes, the old man comment had stung a little and hit one of his biggest insecurities but, he smiled down at his phone. The other still knew how to surprise him and pull him out of his never ending void of depression.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** Holy shit, I think the world must be ending because Richie fucking Tozier just gave me a compliment about how good I look. 

He smiled like an idiot, red puffy eyes crinkled ever so slightly. Even over text he could tell the small comment was genuine. It was nice to think at least _ someone _ found him good looking. He felt _ old _ in this fast paced world, he always struggled to catch up. He threw his towel over one shoulder to make it easier to type out his next series messages. Kaspbrak was still awake enough to mess with Richie a little more before heading to bed.

**ⓔkaspbrak: **Guess I know what to do to get you to shut up next time, huh?  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Really though, thank you, you look good too. Even after all this time. Who knew you could grow into those ugly genes of yours. 

He started to bite his softened nails, debated on whether or not to send one more text. “Fuck it.” If Richie said it so could he and it not be weird or gay. Just two friends who missed each other, nothing more. No admissions of long kept secrets.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** I miss you too Richie. 

Richie left his Instagram DMs open on his phone while he still sat in the floor. He watched it with eyes that struggled to focus. Thankfully for him, he spilt what remained in the bottle of scotch all over the floor, _ and himself. _ Richie felt helpless most of the time, going to alcohol in his moments of discomfort was something he frequented. Richie groaned at the feeling of how sticky his hands and pants were but he knew he wasn’t going to clean up anytime soon. Most nights he even slept like this, in his own filth taking an extra long shower whenever he woke with the _ worst _ hangover. 

His train of thought had stopped when he noticed the screen looked different, maybe he was just seeing things. The thick black glasses were repositioned on the older man’s face. No, those were definitely new words. He felt way too young and impossibly old all at once with the way it made his heart race. What did he ever do to deserve a man like Eddie in his life? He huffed out in disbelief, drunk eyes squinted at the screen suspiciously. The slightest of smirks grew at the cheeky comment. “Ugly genes my hairy ass, you know m’beautiful as fuck you squirelly lil bastard.” he muttered to himself as if Eddie were here to hear it. Still, he was glad to be awake for once. 

**ther.tozier:** yeah yeah yeah...  
**ther.tozier:** pffff glad i still got it then. i mean i knew i had it but whatev, u know u like wat i got don lie  
**ther.tozier:** does this mean that if i buy a plane ticket ull come visit me? 

It took him forever but he managed to type out every line, with few mistakes but it was legible enough for the other to read. He looked over what he sent again to be sure he didn’t need to add anything. His fancy iPhone clattered to the alcohol soaked wooden floor. Richie didn’t remember sending that last one. His sunken eyes stared at his phone with a look of regret and horror. “Ya did it now bud, s’official, yer a certified creep.” Too late now, he couldn’t delete it, the damage was done. 

Eddie was a little quicker this time around getting dressed, his anxiety always got the best of him. He fell back on the couch with a loud **thud**, his damp hair bounced off of his forehead. Clean clothes always made him feel better, even for just a moment. He leaned his head back to rest it against the cushion as he thought about everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. Exhausted eyes looked towards their bedroom door, Myra wasn't going to wake up for at least another hour or so, then he could have the bed to himself. She wasn't the most pleasant woman to live with, but neither was his mother. He wished Richie was still awake, but he’s sure he’s either scared the man off or the conversation was just over. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket just as he was about to pass out on the couch, his loose hand fished it out on the off chance it was Richie. Eddie had to blink a few times before he could see the phone clearly enough. He couldn't help the pitiful smile that stretched across his chapped lips. The conversation wasn't over, their friendship wasn't ruined; this message joke or not was him trying to continue talking. And if Eddie's heart didn't skip a little at the possibility of getting out of here for even a week.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** ...I do have a bunch of vacation days saved up at work...  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** And getting away from this shit hole would be nice, but... 

He couldn't suppress the way he giggled like a school boy on the couch. He missed this asshole more than he was willing to admit. 

**ⓔkaspbrak:** Then I'd actually have to spend time with you again, which would be pretty awful.

Richie’s moment of self loathing didn’t last long when he saw his phone begin to dance with incoming texts. Eddie was fast with his fingers. He snorted to himself childishly. At the ripe old age of forty he still laughed at jokes like that. The old man would at least admit to himself that he didn’t want to see what the other wrote. Doubt riddled his mind and he was tired of getting his hopes up. With nothing to really lose he grabbed the alcohol soaked device. A hand flew up to cover his mouth so he could suppress the series of cackles that threatened to wake his neighbors. “This little bitch.” Almost at once, Richie was back on his game and sobered up just enough to be his usual funny self.

**ther.tozier:** hey if i have to spend time with me every goddamn day im sure u can bear it for a week or so asshole. :p 

Richie could feel his heart racing. This was actually happening, _ if he was being serious _, he was going to see Eddie again. Oh god, he would have to actually make himself look less homeless than usual brush his hair, wear something that wasn't the same shirt and coat. He shook his head, that was something he could worry about later. 

**ther.tozier:** if u think u could spare some of ur precious time for good ole me id love to show you around LA. i can give u free access to my finest hookers.  
**ther.tozier:** i dont actually have free hookers btw.  
**ther.tozier:** STILL. let me show u LA. i miss the shit out of ur stupid face believe it or not. 

Eddie had curled up on the couch with his face pressed against the back of it. He felt young again, like he had a spark of life still in him as he refused to close the application. The nurse felt like maybe things were back to normal. Richie always looked past things when he went to far. Eddie always _ touched _too much or showed the other affections in front of other people. Four eyes didn’t like that so much, he pushed Eddie away or gave him a look to stop. The younger Kaspbrak didn't understand boundaries too well so perhaps that's his issue now. Either way, Richie seemed to be understanding which was good. He really didn’t want to go back to how things used to be.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** I don't know man, a week is pretty long to deal with your bullshit. No one can change THAT MUCH.   
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Also, I know you don't have free hookers Richie.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** You pay for them. That's just a regular hooker buddy.

Their banter was almost a therapy to him, twenty plus years without was really a nightmare. But reality had to hit the exhausted nurse at some point. _ He _ didn't really have a choice, it wasn’t _ his _ to make. Eddie couldn't just up and go across the country if he wanted to. He couldn't so much as go to get groceries without going over it with his wife. His infectious smile was replaced with a hard frown. His heart and stomach ached, he really hated the life he lived. 

**ⓔkaspbrak:** I have to talk it over with Myra first but I'll see what I can do.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Count yourself lucky I can miss an ugly face like yours.

Richie stared blankly at his phone for a solid two and a half minutes, the numbness in his gut spread up to his arms and hands. _ ‘Myra?!’ _ He did notice a woman in a handful of Eddie’s photos but he assumed that maybe she was a friend from work. They didn’t ever seem to be touching, no sign of what people would consider intimacy. Did Eddie actually have a girlfriend or worse- was he married? Christ almighty, he did feel terrible when he had that selfish thought. He wanted his friend to be happy, he just thought- well in every one of his pictures he seemed perpetually sad. Richie had half a mind to fly over there himself to see what the fuck was going on. Not that he planned on _ doing _ anything anyway. Richie was _ okay _ with just being friends, truly. No weird strings attached, he just wanted the other in his life again. The quickly sobering jokester didn't want to ask, but he had to. He had to get this ugly feeling in his chest _ out _ before he lost his shit right there on his living room floor. 

**ther.tozier:** myra? did kaspbrak actually tie the knot or was i right about you bein a kinky mf that has a dom livin with u? 

Richie drew in a shaky breath as the strange sense of dread morphed into a heavy sadness he could not describe. He tried to fool himself with the joke, to _ convince _ himself it was going to be ok. ‘ _ Oh no. Not this. Not fucking this. I will not let this get me depressed. I'm not going through that again. Fuck that, and fuck Eddie's probably wife. Not actually though. Think about something else.’ _ Richie stared at his phone and didn’t dare blink. 

A sense of pure dread washed through Eddie when he read the message. Fuck. **Fuck.** **_Fuck._** He scrambled to sit up right on the couch and tucked his knees to his chest. He thought Richie fucking knew. But of course he didn't, he's famous and lives a busy life. Lilthe fingers pulled at brown hair, the sting was enough to ground him from having another panic attack. What the fuck was he thinking, what the fuck was he going to do now? Richie was going to think he was a piece of shit for sure now, sending a lewd image while married to someone. There goes whatever plans he had out the window, he’s lost his best friend all over again.   
  
His sleep deprived brain was desperate as it tried to grab onto a single train of thought, only to fail horribly. He ignored it when he felt a tear or two drip down lightly dusted cheeks. Edward Kaspbrak was so emotionally repressed that every now and again he’d have days that made him feel as if he were insane. Both of his hands shook as he typed the other back in a manic frenzy.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** Oh uh, yeah, I....I thought you knew.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** But that was stupid of me to think because, of course you wouldn't know.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** It's not like you've been here.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Not that I mean anything bad by saying that!  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** I'm glad you left.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** I mean, I'm not glad you left me! Just that this place suck you know.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** What I meant was, it's been a long time since we spoke so of course you wouldn't know about what's happened.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** If you changed your mind I understand.   
**ⓔkaspbrak:** I'm sorry. 

He dropped his phone onto the couch near his feet. A few seconds passed before he buried his face in his knees again, softly he cried into the cotton pajamas. Over the years he had gotten really good at crying undetected, he just hoped Myra stayed asleep. Richie pressed his lips together, closing his eyes briefly before he read over Eddie's messages, _ twice _ . Though he dared not admit it to himself, he _ thinks _ he's smart enough- sober enough to understand what's going on. It made his chest hurt. He’s seen the patterns before, he just prayed there wasn’t truth behind his concerns. The thought made his stomach churn, acid burned the back of his throat. His anxiety was at its peak which threatened to make him puke all over himself. _ ‘Get your shit together Tozier. He’s a big boy now he can protect himself. He hasn’t needed you for years.’ _ He sighed to himself as he looked down at his phone. _ ‘And if he can’t...throw him a line.’ _

**ther.tozier:** theres nothing u could say that would make me not wanna see u eds.  
**ther.tozier:** to be fair im glad i left too. i wouldve dragged ur ass right along with me if i knew youd come. but i know how much of a mommas boy u are.  
**ther.tozier:** but yeah. swing it by the wife and get down here as soon as you can. ur gonna love and hate LA at the same time. itll be great.

He managed a small smile, wincing as the nausea twisted through his gut again. He groaned as he forced himself out of the floor to take his nausea medication he's needed since he left Derry. He fell over his first few times but eventually got to his feet. Sure, he isn’t supposed to take it after he’s drank but fuck it. He really didn’t want to chance adding vomit to the layers of filth on him and the floor. _ ‘If I puke in front of Eddie, I will literally kick my own ass. Get. Your. Shit. Together. He was your best fucking friend and will continue to be just that if that's what he wants.’ _ And, if Eddie really was repressing something then- No, it was **none** of Richie's fucking business _ . _ End of story, case in point, no mas _ . _

He stood at his counter as fingers rapped against the cold smooth surface. Blood-shot eyes burnt a hole in the black and white backsplash. His hands were still sticky from the mess in the living room but he didn’t move for the sink. He told himself to leave it alone, that what he said was sufficient, that the itch in the back of his mind would stop once he’s went to bed. Still, his mind wouldn’t shut the fuck up. He clenched his jaw, cursing himself for spilling the last of his liquor. “**Fuck!** ” he smacked a glass cup off the counter with the back of his hand. Fragments of glass shattered across the floor, he didn’t care about the mess. He grabbed two fist fulls of hair and growled to himself, he tried to force himself to just fucking **stop**. Richie wished he could think straight, that his mind would stop its repeated thoughts and anxieties. He grabbed the phone from his damp pocket and typed a final message. It wasn’t any of Richie’s business but Eddie needed to know that he still cared, that he was still there for him.

**ther.tozier:** and dont be afraid to tell me anything thats on ur mind. i kno its been awhile but im still here for u.

The knees of Eddie’s pajamas were soaked in tears. He was so focused on keeping quiet that he missed the first few times his phone vibrated. His frame shook against the soft cushions, the small body appeared even smaller as he sobbed to himself. Some of the Eddie's nights were spent like this, the few times reality snuck its ugly head in. The fact he had no friends or life outside of his wife and home. Myra didn’t let him keep friends that he worked with because they were either a ‘bad influence’ on him or kept him away from spending time with her. She always complained that he neglected her, that he didn’t love her enough or like he used to when they first met. And there was truth to it, at one point he genuinely thought he loved her. He isn’t sure what made it change or when it did. If he’s honest with himself- part of him still loves her. It didn’t make sense and he couldn’t begin to explain it if he tried.

He felt his phone vibrate once at his feet which pulled him from his thoughts. What a blessing it was, Richie or not it was something to distract him. And that’s what he needed, a distraction. He had to get himself under control before she woke up. He didn’t smile this time around when he read the messages, he felt too empty inside. Every positive emotion he had was spent tonight. Eddie sighed as he looked down at his phone, the faintest of tears still fell down freshly washed cheeks. He was barely staying awake at this point as he typed out nothing but heartfelt truths. 

**ⓔkaspbrak:** Yeah...I couldn't leave my mom, she needed me.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** And by the time she died I was kind of... stuck here.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** If I’m honest, I didn't think you'd even remember me or I would have tried to get a hold of you.

What had made him cry even harder? Was it because he was reminded of his mother who had passed. The fact that he's felt trapped here ever since he could remember. The realization of how much he's missed his best friend over the last two decades. Or the fact he's lied to himself so much that he doesn't know who he is anymore. Probably everything, either way he curled up in an even tighter ball than before as he stared at his screen. 

Richie frowned at his phone as he leaned on the counter top. His gut sank once more and he’s grateful he took his medication. “Shit.” he huffed as he looked into the sink. He wished it would swallow him up. “Now don’t ** _I_ ** feel like the biggest prick for all those mom jokes earlier.” Eddie’s mom actually fucking _ died _ and he didn’t know. He wonders if anyone even bothered to show up to the funeral. All the losers had their own opinion of the excessive mother of their nervous friend. He outwardly sighed and ran his fingers through greasy hair. Richie hoped he was able to handle this well enough to not strike a nerve.

**ther.tozier:** ur kinda unforgettable eds. how could i forget my hypocondriac best friend? (sweat smile emoji)  
**ther.tozier:** but yeah man...im really sorry to hear that. i know u and ur mom were close. 

_ ‘Too fucking close if you ask me.’ _ he thought. Once he'd grown older, his childhood dislike of Eddie's mom had grown to genuine disgust at the way she treated him growing up. He wasn't upset she was dead, a small part was even happy- _ as terrible as that might sound _. The only thing he cared about was how it affected Eddie. There is no doubt in his mind that regardless of how much time had passed since her death, his friend is most likely still struggling with the loss. Richie held a hand over his chest when he felt a tightness, the weight of the thought. He wished he could’ve been there but, it’s far too late now.

Eddie’s blurred eyes watched the dimmed screen. The messages were almost sweet, softer than the usual Tozier he had grown to know over his childhood. Maybe he actually managed to mature a bit in their time apart, the thought made the smallest smile appear on his sad face. _ Adult Richard Tozier. _ They say time changed a lot of things but that was something he never thought he’d see. Eddie almost jumped out of his skin when he heard his bedroom door open. Quickly he turned the screen off and pretended he fell asleep on the couch again. He sighed with relief when he heard her walk to the bathroom. Without much time left to use he hurriedly messaged his friend back.

**ⓔkaspbrak:** Yeah...  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** Anyways...I should have an answer back to you soon. I'd stay and chat but I need to sleep for work.

[**ⓔkaspbrak:** I've...I've missed you so fucking much Richie.]- (he typed this one out but erased it.)

**ⓔkaspbrak:** Til next time Richie. Get some beauty rest.  
**ⓔkaspbrak:** You obviously need it.

As if on queue the bathroom door opened as he dragged himself off the couch, towards his wife. Thankfully for him the hallway wasn’t lit very well, it was always easy to hide the swollen eyes and pass it off has exhaustion. “Eddie-Bear, I wondered where you were when I woke up. Are you feeling alright?” Myra walked up to him, her eyes squinted at him as she cupped his cheeks- examining his face like always, her hand checked his temperature before it returned to his cheek. As if he were some _ child _ and not her _ husband. _ “I told that doctor we needed to change your medications again. We can’t have you up all hours of the night, your heart will give out and then I’ll be here all alone without you.” He did his best to shrug out of it then rubbed his eyes. “Sorry dear, I must have fallen asleep waiting for my hair to dry. I know you don’t like it when I sleep in bed with damp hair.”

He looked away with his hand on the back of his neck, everything felt so uncomfortable. Being reminded of all the times she’d scream and throw a fit about him coming to bed not washed after a long day. So when he’d go shower and come back, she’d complain that his hair was going to make the pillows moldy. Or hell, somehow in her mind he’d make himself sick. Then when he tried to blow dry it she would either be mad about it waking her up or stories of how much bacteria _ lived _ in hair dryers- the same as bathroom hand dryers. She was beyond exhausting to live with, but she loved him just as his mother did. That made all of this normal...right?   
  
Her hands brushed through his hair and nodded, “I’m glad you actually listened to me for once.” her hands cupped his cheeks again- the smell of disinfectant was so strong it gave him a headache almost instantly. Her eyes reminded him of his mothers which was, weird, if he really thought about it. But at the same time, it was a strange comfort to him. “You know I only say these things because I love you, right?” His heart ached something awful in his chest but he found himself nodding into her hands, his eyes softened, heavy with fatigue. “I know, I love you too.” he spoke softly as he raised his hand to rest on her side before he retracted it. He knew better than to touch her without disinfecting first. 

She smiled before she patted his cheek, “Good, now get yourself to bed before I have to call your work and tell them you aren’t coming in. I will not let them work you on no sleep- let alone trust you to drive yourself to work on such a small amount of sleep.” And like that she was off towards the kitchen to make herself something to drink or eat. He stood in the hallway for sometime before he passed into their shared room. He knew she would call his job, she had before and would without a doubt do it again. He nearly lost his job last time for it too, lucky for him he had a sympathetic boss who gave him some slack.

Forever tired and defeated he crawled into his cold sheets, just like every other day. Slowly he covered himself up only to realize there was something that dug into his hip. Oh yeah, his phone was still in his pocket. He barely had enough energy to pull it out of his pants but in the end he got it. The phone hit the bedside table harshly, he was so tired he could barely register that the notification light went off.

Eddie took awhile to reply, enough time had passed Richie actually went back to the couch. _ He was smart enough to avoid the part of the floor that was drenched in spilt scotch. _ The washed up comedian made himself a little nook to lay in, he didn’t care if he was dirty. He was lazy enough to just buy a whole new couch if he had too. There was no way he was sober enough for a shower, without the chance of him drowning himself. He rolled over on his side as he held a pillow close to his chest. He never slept in his bed, once in a blue moon would you ever catch the man in his room- he always opted for the couch. It was too lonely to sleep in a queen, all of that spare room was a constant reminder of the fact he’ll always be alone. The couch though? He could pretend someone was either in front or behind him. Sometimes he was drunk enough for it to be believable.

Richie struggled to stay awake, he wanted to be sure Eddie was ok before he slept. He exhaled harshly annoyed with his mother hen behavior, _ ‘You’re no better than Mama Kaspbrak trashmouth.’ _ He pulled out his phone then stopped half way through his message, Eddie finally responded, good. He grinned into his pillow, he couldn’t hold back the hope he felt in his chest at the prospect of seeing his friend again. The snide little insult felt like a compliment when it came from Eddie.

**ther.tozier:** nah this gorgeous face has enough beauty to go around. i sport the homeless look well.  
**ther.tozier:** sleep well, kapsbrak. ill talk to ya soon. 

It only took a few minutes before Richie was obnoxiously snoring into his throw pillows with a lopsided smile stuck on his face.


	3. An Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Edward Kaspbrak and Richard Tozier came to reunite.

Myra had paced through the entire layout of their home at least a dozen times. She couldn’t believe her eyes. _Her_ Edward Kaspbrak spent the entire night messaging some random man who he apparently knew from childhood instead of coming to bed with _her._ However that wasn’t enough information, she needed to know everything about this so called ‘Richie Tozier’. It didn’t take her long to find out a lot about him. With a quick Google Search it lead her to multiple articles about the famous Comedian.   
  
She dove into the deeper articles, ones most people wouldn’t believe to be anything more than just gossip. About how he was caught drunk in public and people that accused him of this and that, really trashy things to write about. But there was one final article that piqued her interest titled ‘Does The Comedian Lead a Secret Double Life?’ Inside of this particular article a really blurry image sat in the middle of it. There were two men kissing up against the wall in the alley at a back entrance. It wasn’t clear enough to definitively say that it was indeed the man in question but, it was enough for Myra. Her second search was quick enough. Yes, he was indeed from Derry Maine and mutual friends with a small amount of Eddie’s Facebook friends. This fact only made her more angry. This Richie guy was yet another person to come between her and her husband. Myra was having _none_ of it.  
  
The bedroom door had slammed open hard enough that Eddie had sat up upright almost instantly. His heart raced as his sleep-ridden eyes scanned the room for whatever the cause of alarm was, only to see that his wife stood in the doorway. “Honey you scared me.” he held one hand over his chest while the other rubbed his eyes. He swung his legs out of bed and moved the blanket out of the way. “Is everything alright? Did something happen- do you need help?” Even on maybe thirty minutes of sleep he was kind and gentle, always worried about the well-being of others before himself.  
  
Her hands were rested on her hips but the light was shining behind her so he couldn’t see the look on her face. It didn’t take long to know something was off however, she was a lot more quiet than normal. “Don’t you even _think_ about honeying me or acting like you care.” His brows furrowed in confusion, he was barely able to process what was going on before a phone was shoved in his face. He winced at the pain caused by the harsh brightness of the device. It was too close to see what she wanted him to see. “I saw everything Eddie Bear, all of it. How could you do this to me?”  
  
There was a new panic that set in his chest, not from everything she had said but the general closeness and aggression of it all. Eddie tried to gently push her hands away from his face but she only put the phone closer to his eyes. He needed space to breath and wake up enough to know what was going on. The only thing he understood was that he was scared. “Myra, please,” He pleaded, his voice was quiet but raspy with sleep, “I don’t know what’s going on, just let me get out of bed so we can talk about this, okay?” He put his hands up in surrender as he tried to stand up, only to be pushed back down onto the bed. “Don’t even think about going anywhere.” her voice was stern and it made him frown but he listened to her. Too tired to fight, he had been awake for going on three days now.  
  
He wished he could say this was the first time she’s acted like this but that wasn’t true in the slightest. The last time Myra screamed at him over something on the phone, it was about him adding a mother of one of the children he helped take care of. She was a really nice lady who spent most of her days in the hospital with her daughter who had leukemia. The friend request was innocent, but Myra didn’t seem to see it that way. The only difference now is that she appeared to be more physically assertive. So he sat still on the bed with his hands in his lap, eyes cast down to so his head could stop hurting from the bright light. Maybe she would calm down and explain what was going on if he was quiet. Similar to how he acted when his mother found out he did something she didn’t approve of.  
  
Myra walked over to the light switch and flicked it on. Light washed over the room as she watched him wince, he deserved that. If she wasn’t on a path of destruction she would have noticed he wasn’t awake enough to answer all of the questions she had, let alone explain what she found on his phone. He watched her walk over to the bed and sit down, facing him. Out of the corner of his eye he could see that she had been crying or was on the verge of tears. Another thing that happened daily when he didn’t do exactly what she wanted. “I saw your messages, Edward. Between you and this Richie guy.” She set the phone on his lap then crossed her arms across her chest. It was opened to the picture he had sent the man in question. Once Eddie’s eyes adjusted enough to see the screen he could tell what he was looking at was _his_ phone in his lap, not Myra’s. All of the other times she’s had a problem it was things she managed to find on _her_ accounts. Somehow.   
  
But none of that mattered, she found out. He turned his head away from the phone and his wife, he couldn’t bare to face either of the two. One was the betrayal and infidelity done to his wife while the other was proof of his ‘sickness’. The guilt made his stomach churn with disgust, he was utterly ashamed of himself for what he did- who he is. This was far worse than the time she caught him looking at half naked men on a web browser- _he_ was the half naked man. After being caught and guilted for hours about how wrong it was, how disgusting the act of him pleasuring himself to anyone other than her- _not to mention another man_\- marked the last day he ever touched himself.  
  
Sure, his and Myra’s marriage was far from conventional. She didn’t believe in sexual-intimacy, or any form of physical contact of skin on skin or exchanging of bodily fluids. She was far too afraid of catching diseases and sickness from various forms of bacteria. This never bothered Edward however. When they got to know each other, he wasn’t interested in sex either or doing anything with a woman. The only person he had done anything with was- well he didn’t talk or think about that often. _He tried not to at least._ “I’m,” he paused while he stared at the picture of himself, “I’m so sorry Myra.” Eddie began to chew away the skin on his bottom lip, “It all happened so fast and I- I just.” he took in a shaky breath as tears form in his eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”  
  
He could see Myra looking at him and out of instinct his body flinched when she raised her hand to rest it on his arm. His shoulders sunk in on themselves at the contact, making Eddie look smaller than he really was. “You’re sick Edward. And men like him will always take advantage of you or convince you, you are something you’re not.” Eddie’s head shot up and looked to his wife. His face read nothing but betrayal, doubt with a hint of guilt. If only she knew that it was _him_ who took advantage of Richie all those years ago. (or so he thought) “You don’t know him Myra, Richie isn’t like that. He’s a good guy.” he shook his head, “We were being stupid and I took it too far.” A few tears fell from his eyes. ‘_I always took things too far._’ he thought to himself. It wasn’t a full admission but a reminder of a day he has regretted ever since.  
  
“This is something gay men do Eddie.” she grabbed his chin and guided it so he would look at her. Myra’s movements were gentle, so much so that it hid the lies behind her intentions. “They lure married men away from their loving wives, homewreckers who only spread illness and disease.” Her other hand came up to brush his tears away, “They prey on weak men. It’s not your fault that you are so trusting and caring. It’s the reason I fell in love with you.” Myra always knew how to say certain things in specific ways. Twist reality just enough to manipulate her husband into believing whatever she said. “I know it’s been a long time since your last…_incident_ but, we can fix this.” She smiled softly, “We can fix you again.”  
  
Eddie isn’t sure what to think or how he’s supposed to feel right now. He loved his wife, right? That’s the whole reason you get married- to live together and grow old with each other. He’s not gay, no, he’s just confused. His sleep deprived mind struggled to see the reality of the situation, only playing into Myra’s controlling grasp. The brunettes head sunk into her hands as his eyes closed. He succumbed to the false affections, misguided ruse of caring. He wept into her palms, “I’m so sorry, please, fix me. I-” his voice cracked and his hands came up to rest on hers, “I’m too weak to fix this on my own.”  
  
His walls closed in and he could feel a panic attack approach. His heart raced as his breathing picked up, “I don’t want to be like this anymore.” He clung to his wife as a lifeline, his grasp on her was desperate and pleading. He felt as if he was drowning in a sea of confusion, repression thirty years deep. He’s wanted to be like everyone else, live a normal life without a stigma. His mother always went on about how bad homosexuality was and so has his wife Myra. Not to mention everyone else who lived in this shit hole named Derry Maine. _That article about the gay couple who was killed still chilled him to his bones._ If anyone ever found out about Eddie’s thoughts or tendencies, he’d surely suffer the same fate.   
  
It was rare she let Eddie touch her without disinfecting first but she knew better, if she were to distract him now her plan wouldn’t follow through. She needed to comfort him just enough to get him to do what she wanted. She’d have her husband back and Richie out of the way, along with anyone else who dared to come between them. The wife hushed her husband softly when she patted his back. His face was cradled in her chest, much closer than they’ve ever been in their entire relationship. Physically at least. “I’m here, I’ve got you Eddie Bear.” Myra moved his head just like she did before. Eddie’s face was soaked in tears and snot, his eyes so swollen that he probably had trouble seeing. “We’ll start with deleting your Instagram ok? There are too many temptations on that app.” her thumbs wiped away his tears.  
  
Eddie isn't quite sure what to do. Richie wasn’t the problem, _he_ was. No he couldn’t- he wouldn’t lose his chance to reconnect. Eddie looked at his wife, obviously confused and conflicted. But she looked so patient and loving for once, even let him touch her without a complaint. Maybe it _was_ easier to just to delete his Instagram and never talk to Richie again. Go back to how things before speaking to his old friend, an old love interest. It is possible that he could have a normal life.  
  
He pulled away from his wife, his hands fell to his lap as he looked void of emotion. He felt numb as he stared into empty palms, like he wasn’t aware of his surroundings. He wasn’t sure when the phone was placed in his hands but the playstore with the app icon was on display. The button with the word **Uninstall** looked like it didn’t stand still. That was until he noticed he was to blame, his hands shook as his eyes watered all over again. _‘This is the right thing. You’ll get better. _**_Things _**_will get better if you do this.’_ he thought to himself.  
  
Myra’s hand went over his and pushed Uninstall with his thumb. It may have only taken a few seconds but it felt like hours. Slowly the phone was removed from his hands and set on the nightstand. Eddie couldn’t move on his own, she could see that. With a soft voice she said something but he couldn’t hear it, he watched her lips as they moved. One moment he was sitting up in bed and the next he’s lying back down with the blankets over him. Vacant eyes followed Myra as she walked to the lightswitch. He could see her smile that had too much teeth just before she turned the light off. Eddie wished that smile brought him comfort before he drifted off to sleep but alas, it did nothing but give him nightmares.  
  
Eddie and Myra Kaspbrak tried to go back to living their lives as it was before. But the irreparable damage was done the moment he cut contact with a piece of his old life. Not to mention Myra had called him out for being a liar, how being a homosexual was wrong and all the ways it could kill him, how everyone around him would look at him differently or worse; he'd get killed for being a freak. The tension and hateful words from his wife broke him little by little, he believed every word she said. It made the ever so gentle Edward Kaspbrak lose hope in life. His wife was smart enough to deactivate Eddie’s Instagram account herself. Every now and again she logged on to make sure he didn’t reactive it while she was asleep. But to make sure Richie wouldn’t get too nosey, _while also covering her tracks_, she made sure to keep her husbands Facebook active enough to avoid suspicion.  
  
Bit by bit over the next five months Eddie had grown far more quiet and distant with everyone he interacted with. The circles under his eyes got darker, skin grew more pale and he lost his bedside manner. The warm and gentle man was replaced by a lifeless husk of something barely human. Days, weeks and months went by and nothing got any easier. Eventually his boss couldn’t make up any more excuses to help Eddie keep his job, ultimately firing the man. The day he was terminated marked the point where had quit eating and sleeping. He did whatever Myra asked of him, he no longer fought or argued. It’s what had to be done so she would keep what happened quiet. Edward never thought his life would come down to this. Being blackmailed into staying in a relationship, a marriage he planned to stay in forever. At one point he had loved her, she felt like a home to him, just like his mother did. But now? He didn't know what to think anymore.  
  
This past week in Eddie’s life had been the worst in his entire existence. Bad enough to where he attempted to take his own life, only to fail miserably when his sleep deprived mind switched to the wrong bottle of medication. The only thing that managed to happen was he got extremely sick. Thankfully it was something he could pass off and make a good enough excuse to his hypochondriac wife. It took him a few days to recover but he managed to get enough sleep to think clearly. He had an idea but it was risky.  
  
Eddie sat in their shared sedan as he contemplated what to do, if he should follow through with his plan or not. He knew he had a small amount of money put away from his wife, a fraction from every paycheck for the last couple years. A secret he _hoped_ she actually didn't know about because that's the only way his plan was going to work. He pulled out his phone and set up another Instagram, it only took a few minutes to set up a dummy email for it. He couldn’t chance her finding out he reactivated his old Instagram. He began to bite his nails when he realized Richie might not believe it’s actually him since it’s a brand new account. Maybe if he makes it a name only he would know, a combination of nicknames the others gave him.  
  
**eds.eduardo.spaghetti:** Hey Richie, I hope you still want to see this ugly face of mine, ‘cause I’m sure as hell ready to see that ferret face of yours.  
**eds.eduardo.spaghetti:** I’m sorry I didn't get a hold of you sooner lifes been busy but it finally just calmed down!  
  
He paused for a moment before his forehead hit the steering wheel, “You dumb **fuck**. Send a picture and he’ll know it’s really you.” Eddie took a selfie, he looked like absolute horse shit. His eyebrows were raised as he grinned, you could see he was buckled in a car. Maybe Richie would believe he just got off work or something, pass it off as overworked and underappreciated.  
  
**eds.eduardo.spaghetti:** ▷ Photo Sent  
**eds.eduardo.spaghetti:** If you are still serious about flying me out to LA here's my email.  
**eds.eduardo.spaghetti:** e.kaspbrak46@gmail.com[](mailto:e.kaspbrak46@gmail.com)  
**eds.eduardo.spaghetti:** Hope to see you soon!  
  
There was no going back now. He knew he probably wouldn't feel this brave later. _'It's now or never Kaspbrak.'_ he said to himself as he slipped his phone back in his pocket. He was overtly happy in his messages to his old friend so he wouldn’t ask any questions. Like why he’s been MIA for the last five months or why his original account was deactivated. Eddie couldn’t drive home and go back to pretending. Hopefully for once in his life...something will go right for him.  
  
Richie had exhibited a very _tame_ amount of self-control. He gave Eddie his space and let him take his time. Time to think, time to consider, time to do whatever Eddie _does_ in his day-to-day life. So when the days turned into months, he had began to get worried about the other. He hoped that Eddie was alright. He thought it was strange that his friend didn’t so much as message him _one single fucking time_. At least he seemed to be active on Facebook, the other was alright. He told himself daily that he wouldn't message Eddie, not even _once_. And he didn't. He just almost did a grand total of two-hundred and forty-eight times. But, that ‘**send**’ button was never pressed. The comedian actually surprised himself and was proud that he didn’t break down and message or worse; fly to Maine to see what the fuck was going on.  
  
He gave Eddie his space. Let him be the one to come to him on his own time. Richie didn’t want to seem needy or like an annoyance to someone he hadn’t bothered to contact for the last couple decades. For all he knows the old pal of his could have changed his mind all together. Got a good night's rest and realized he didn’t know Richie anymore, that he didn’t want to. Every time he thought about that his stomach dropped and threatened to spill its contents. Not too long after those thoughts began did he start to drink more often. He needed an out away from his anxiety that his medicine wasn’t covering.  
  
Despite all of his doubts and voices that told him to give up, that Eddie wasn’t going to call, he still kept that phone on him at all times; he refused to keep it on silent as well. So when his phone went off that afternoon, he all-about dived for it on the kitchen table, banging his knee against the chair with a loud curse. He had started to make his fourth drink of the day, who gave a shit about how early it was. _He sure didn’t_. When he stopped his bitching he noticed it was a message on Instagram. He was doubtful but, he proceeded to open it anyways. Richie started doing that for the last two and a half months in hopes it was Eddie giving him the go ahead.  
  
The name was unmistakable but Rich needed to be realistic, someone could easily just be obsessed with him or something and found things out. Some would call Tozier a little paranoid after a few incidents but, when he saw that picture he couldn’t deny it. It was his Hypochondriac Kaspbrak! He looked very different though, something seemed off but he was too buzzed and excited to fully notice. _‘Hope to see you soon.’_ was said at the end of the messages. Richie threw his arms in the air and yelled, his face breaking into the widest smile he had ever had in a long, long time. He barely even registered that his phone flew from his hands or that he banged his knee _again_ in his excitement. When he managed to get to his phone he hurriedly messaged the other back.  
  
**ther.tozier:** FUCK YEAH!   
**ther.tozier:** ill be aseen u  
**ther.tozier:** *SEEEING U soon!!  
  
Richie scrambled to book the flight right from his phone. There were a lot of typos but he eventually figured it out and had the confirmation sent to the Email address Eddie gave him.  
  
**ther.tozier:** i boked u on a flight comin up soon. ur flight leaves monday @ 744 am SHARP. dont u be late. cant miss out on kissin that ugly face of urs once i see it.  
  
He had to remind himself to breathe. He was lightheaded from laughing and jumping around the room like a child on their birthday. _Ok so, maybe he was a little _**_more_**_ than just buzzed._ The bottle of Jack Daniels had fallen over in all of the commotion, liquid spilled on the wooden floor from the table. Richie could _cry_ he was so happy and with how under the influence he was, he actually did. He didn't even think to ask about what Eddie had been up to because all of that could wait. **_Eddie was coming home._** LA wasn't home for him, Richie knew that but he could pretend. Richie had always been good at that. Pretending he was happy, pretending he wasn't as gay as a box of leprechauns on St. Patty's Day, pretending he wasn't utterly and stupidly in love with Eddie Kaspbrak. But over the years he had learned it was ok to quit pretending. This last one however, would stay with him to his grave. Eddie didn’t need to hear that kind of baggage.  
  
_‘I'll be seeing you soon Kaspbrak.’ _he thought to himself as he read over all of the messages. Only to realize the messages didn't actually send and Eddie's account was gone. His brows wrinkled in confusion and worry. _‘Why would he do that? Is...is that why he made sure to give me an Email?’ _he frowned as he fell onto the hard chair. He felt himself sobering quickly. “Just what the **fuck** is going on Eddie?” he chewed on the inside of his cheek and whispered, “I hope you’re ok…” With a lot more focus and determination he made sure to type out a coherent message with no mistakes.  
  
**To:** e.kaspbrak46@gmail.com  
**From:** tichardrozier69@gmail.com_  
__  
_Hey Eds. I booked you for next Monday!!! You shouldve gotten an email about the flight. I can't wait to see you, ya jackass. I won't ask what dumb shit you had going on that you went radio silent for a WHOLE FIVE MONTHS. >:O  
  
But really. Your flight's all booked and paid for. I'll see ya soon at the airport nerd.  
  
Rich  
  
Eddie had disassociated for who knows how long. He seemed nearly catatonic as he stared at the windshield seeing nothingness. The only thing that brought him out of it was his phone. The vibration pattern told him it was either an email or text message. He really hoped it was Richie getting back to him because, time was ticking. Eddie's window of free time was near its end. Myra would call him soon to ask where he was or what he was doing. He couldn't risk getting the email while she was awake and at home. He frowned to himself when he realized that maybe he didn't think this through enough, he had been too impulsive. She had access to all his accounts, she'll she this and who knows what will happen. He pulled out his phone to see it _was_ Richie, and a flight confirmation. Thank god. Eddie had to be quick though. Go to a library, print off the confirmation and delete all of the evidence. _He could do this_.  
  
**To:** tichardrozier69@gmail.com  
**From:** e.kaspbrak46@gmail.com  
  
Oh wow, good thing I already booked off work, lol. That's pretty soon, someone's a little eager to see an asthmatic loser huh? Thanks for the heads up buddy! ;} I'm going to head to the library and print off the itinerary. I'll be busy packing for the trip and ordering my prescriptions to whatever pharmacy is near you. So you won't be hearing from me again but I'll see you at the airport.  
Sorry again for not getting to you sooner, work has been on my ass.  
I'm excited to see you!  
-Eds  
  
When Eddie clicked send his chest felt tight and a sense of panic washed over him. He had to get rid of the evidence of his escape plan. This was his one and only chance to get away from Myra, to be able to see Richie one more time before he- well he won’t think of that right now. Edward Kaspbrak had never driven over the speed limit in his life. But he did that day, he couldn’t get to the library quick enough. The email was printed, his inbox deleted and the one he sent Richie destroyed. To be sure he covered all of his tracks cleared the cookies on his device then triple checked that he deleted the throw away account on Instagram. He slipped off his shoe and put the folded piece of paper inside it along with his foot. “Please let this work.” he prayed to himself.  
  
There was an awful feeling that formed in his gut after reading Eddie’s email. Richie didn’t like how a few of those things were worded but maybe he was just overreacting and being paranoid. Not to mention he started to drink even more after he sent his own email. His nerves tended to get the best of him in an awkward situation, usually social interactions. He knew that his mind was overactive and it made him question himself far too often. Richie didn’t know what to do or how to fix it, just like his situation right now with his old friend. But there was nothing he was able to do about it, he did all he could by buying the ticket. He just needed to have a little hope. Which was something he lost a while ago.  
  
The flights were long and very draining on a man who had just packed his entire life up in one suitcase and a duffel bag. But still. It also didn't help that Eddie was so sure that he was going to get some sort of sickness from the flights. How badly germs swim and multiply in such a pressurized amount of space. With everyone seated so close to one another, _how they touched while seated_. He shivered at the thought, he quickly learned that he **hated** flying. Good thing he brought many forms of medications to help him not catch anything. Eddie was always a prepared man. Though he was shocked that he ran out of hand sanitizer so quickly. It was also unbelievable to him that all you had to take was a single connecting flight from Maine to make it across the country. _Okay, fine, that did make sense when you could pay top dollar for a single ticket._ He counted himself lucky to be honest, to only have one layover in Philadelphia that was about three and a half hours. The travel may have been six minutes shy of eleven hours but jumping timezones messed with his internal clock.  
  
He stood in baggage claim and resisted the urge to throw up all over unsuspecting families. His ears needed to pop, he had a migraine and he was sick to his stomach; the list could honestly go on for hours. But none of that stunted his feeling of excitement and on fire nerves. He wasn't sure what he was doing with his life or what he was going to do after his time was up here. Eddie did have an idea but it was a grim reality he needed to avoid for at least the next week. He sighed to himself as he stepped away from the crowded area with all of his possessions in hand. He knew there was no going back. That this was the choice he made. Now he has to live with it while he can.  
  
Richie had thrown up precisely four and a half times between Eddie's email and when he first arrived at the airport. The first time was right after he read the email. He was happy and unbearably excited, perhaps too much so. But he was also entirely too nervous, Richie barely made it to the bathroom before the booze he had drank came up. He threw up two more times that week. And of course one of those times was right after a weekend show. The comedians nerves hadn't been this bad since right after he left Derry. Richie spent the following week doing nothing but cleaning with crazed frenzy unbeknownst to him until then.   
  
Even after he cleaned like a madman and assured himself Eddie was still coming, Richie threw up again on the way to the airport. He narrowly missed puking on his clothes in his plight to a gas station bathroom. He stared at his pale face in the mirror once his stomach calmed, he gripped the sink tightly as he struggled to steady his breathing. _‘Breathe, you desperate motherfucker. Just fucking breathe.’_ Richie took a moment to collect himself. He took another nausea pill as he fussed over his hair. It wasn't neat but it at least stayed in one place. He gave it one last look-over before he headed back out to his car to complete the last twenty minutes of the drive.  
  
He took a deep breath as he loosened his grip on the steering wheel. He finally pulled into airport parking area. _‘One step at a time, one step at a fucking time dumbass.’_ The trip inside the arrival area wasn’t too bad. Only one person stopped and asked him for his autograph but that took no time at all. He made sure to be early just in case, the only thing Richie would ever arrive early to. The plane was arriving soon, _too soon yet not soon enough_. His stomach lurched again from his nerves, he never did well standing still. Richie cursed under his breath as he felt a gag force its way up his throat. There was that lucky half, thankfully nothing came. _‘Breathe, breathe, breathe.’_ he chanted to himself.  
  
Richie shoved his hands into his coat pocket, brushed his hair away from his eyes and breathed. He stared at the floor awkwardly, not really sure how to handle this uncomfortable situation. He glanced up occasionally to keep an eye out for Eddie. _‘He was going to come. He would be here. He wants to be here.’_ he kept reminding himself.  
  
It was much warmer outside than the smaller man had expected. With him living in Maine his entire life and being in and out of cold airports for the last day, he was bundled with with far too much clothing. A loose maroon jacket hung off thinned shoulders over a plain white t-shirt. His pants were the same pair of khakis he had worn most of his life. Eddie owned at least a dozen pairs of them, exact size and colors too. His sneakers were worn and stained, patches of brown and scuffs of black. All of his clothes seemed to be at least a size or two too big. Which made the large fluff of hair on top of his head seem that much more sloppy. Eddie looked like a mess. Adorable in a way, but an absolute mess. Never in his life had he looks so out of touch with himself.  
  
He stood outside the airport awkwardly, he looked uncomfortable and confused. There were so many people, how would he be able to fi--- His brain had stopped working the moment he finally laid eyes on _him_, Richie. The other hadn't noticed him yet but Eddie was absolutely frozen in place. His chest was tight and he wanted to cry. He counted himself lucky that his face always looked sad and defeated by default. Because he definitely felt like he was going to cry laying his eyes on his best friend for the first time in years. ‘Fuck it’, Eddie went into a full sprint towards his destination.   
  
Richie wiped his mouth with his hand with a short huff of breath, glancing at the bar awkwardly until rapid, hurried footsteps caught his attention. Startled, he looked up, his breath caught in his chest as he spotted Eddie Kaspbrak right in front of him. He had the biggest smile the comedian had ever seen. The worn suitcase and bag hit the concrete abandoned when Eddie was just about to collide with him. Richie half-lifted his arms letting out a weak shaky laugh as his old friend crashed into him. Eddie’s lithe arms wrapped tightly around his best friend. One hand gripped the back of the others shirt while the second cradled the back of Richie's neck. In return Richie gently coiled his arms around the smaller man, his chest catching in a half-sob as he rested his face in Eddie’s hair. His skin alert to every spot the nurse touched. All at once, as though Richie had been the one on the plane, traveling miles to see his best friend..._he was home._  
  
The embrace was hard and fast, his heart raced unbelievably fast. Eddie buried his face in the crook of the others neck, the perfect height. As if he were meant to be there. _‘God how can Richie still smell the same?’_ was a passing thought of his. He was unable to contain his childish laughter, so ecstatic he could have died right then and there, happy about it. If the last thing he ever got was this _one_ hug. His heart utterly melted in the others embrace. Richie was always so gentle with him and even after two plus decades that hasn't changed. The arms around him were a comfort he couldn't believe he lived without before. They were thick and heavy but oh so very careful. How after all this time could he still feel the same, how in the world was he still in love with this goofy looking idiot?  
  
Even though Eddie had pulled away, he kissed the others cheek quickly as he fully pulled back. He could still _feel_ those warm arms wrapped around him, the familiar scent that was _Richie_ followed him as he backed away. His heart already ached from the absence. He looked to the other with a grin that resembled nothing but pure joy. His eyes were barely puffed and red, watery but not quite crying just yet. "Holy fucking shit trash mouth. You really let yourself go didn't you?" He teased as he patted the comedians side, just like the good old days. He almost couldn't breathe he was so excited.  
  
Richie found himself touching the place where Eddie had kissed him with a dazed expression, he laughed weakly at the banter. He didn’t realize how long he had zoned out for. One second he saw Eddie rushing towards him and the next his cheek was kissed. Everything in between seemed to be a blur. He struggled to find his voice for a moment, "Speak for yourself, nurse-boy. You look like my sister when she was on a crack binge for a month." He laughed and gently shook Eddie’s shoulder before he picked up the discarded bags. "You, Christ, Eds. Twenty fucking years and you still look the same. Maybe a little hotter than before- _but that's pushing it_." He looked at him, really looked at him and smiled softly, a small tear was wiped away.  
  
The smaller man continued to smile through his pain, his emotional turmoil was never going to be Richie's problem. Certainly not this quickly after them meeting for the first time in what felt like forever. The small brunette had been blushing since he realized what he had done. He didn't mean to kiss Richie’s cheek but in his haste, it just sort of happened. He counted himself lucky the other didn't mention it, tease him or worse- be upset about the slip up. His body language softened at the reality of things, how after so long it’s as if they never separated. He snorted at the other as he shook his head, his smile and eyes were lit up with affection in that moment. Richie always seemed to talk a mile a minute when he was worked up or excited. At least that showed the insecure nurse the other was _really_ happy to see him. The most genuine his friend could be. "Yeah yeah fuck you, Richie. I look _way_ better than your sister. Got a nice little dress to prove it too." he pushed on Richie's shoulder playfully, both of them ignored the fact they were practically in tears over this reunion.   
  
"Works been running me half to death and this new medication I'm on makes it hard to keep anything down." It made Eddie's stomach churn to lie to the other, he made a promise long ago that he'd never lie to his best friend. But he wasn't Richie's problem anymore, he shouldn't have been in the first place. He knew he was a burden with a target on his back that affected everyone around him. Richie had always been responsive to other's emotions. Maybe not in a way that made sense or in a way that he liked, or in a way that made him want to shut himself off from the world. But Eddie? He could read Eddie like an open book. Usually of course. And there was something really off about the way he spoke of his medication and work schedule, be it that it was believable enough.   
  
Richie wouldn't push, not now anyways. If there was something else on his mind or if Eddie was worried about coming in general, forcing him to talk would get Richie precisely nowhere. "I'll be sure to have you show it off to me later," he jabbed elbowing Eddie playfully in the ribs. But Eddie was tired, Richie could see that. And as they walked out of the airport in comfortable silence, most likely too emotional to speak but both were too stubborn to say so. He found himself dazed in the amazement of how easily they picked right back up where they left off. Eddie hadn't changed that much and truthfully, Richie hadn't either. He still couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not.  
  
Eddie may have looked like he was one foot in the grave but his smile never wavered. Kind but very tired eyes looked over towards his companion. "It's really good to see you." he said so softly his words were barely audible as a few tears managed to slip their way out. Richie’s heart skipped a beat when he saw the look and few strayed tears. "It's good to see you too. I missed you like hell.” he confessed all too honestly for him to feel comfortable. Quickly to cover his tracks he switched back to being a clown, “You're probably exhausted, you look like you've barely slept. Well that or you've been doing meth. Don't do meth. Let's go to my car." he laughed as they reached his car. Hopefully Eddie wouldn’t notice the tears in his eyes if he opened the door for him.  
  
The nurse almost shit himself when he saw the comedians car. He isn't sure what he was expecting but it's sure as hell a lot better than the shitty cars you would see in Derry. _'It's so wild to think that there is a world outside of their shitty hometown.'_ It wasn't until that thought that Eddie had realized just how trapped he's been. He forced another grin as he thanked Richie before he sat down in the passenger's seat with his duffel bag held close to his chest. All of his medications, legal documents, emergency rations and travel med-kit were in there; among some other things no one needed to know about. Eddie took a deep breath, he’s finally here. No more planes, no more Derry, no more Myra- nothing but a calming presence. He turned his head towards Richie before the other pulled out of the garage. His body visibly relaxed and he genuinely smiled as tired eyes struggled to stay open. He fell asleep within five minutes on the highway.  
  
If there was anyone that knew Eddie, it was the man behind the wheel. The nurse was never the type of person who could fall asleep in a vehicle. With his overwhelming anxiety and paranoia about _everything_, it would be an absolute shock to see. Nonetheless, soft gentle snores were all that filled the car as they drove along the highway towards his apartment. The moment Eddie fell asleep in his car Richie felt as if he could drive forever. Just the two of them in peaceful contentment. Away from work, away from the rest of the world, away from the complications of love and whatever the hell else Richie had fallen into then. But he knew he couldn't. He couldn't drink away his problems, and he couldn't drive away from them either. This was a visit from an old friend. Nothing more. He has to remember the facts. Eddie has been married for who knows how long, this visit is only going to be two weeks long and not to mention he isn’t gay.  
  
But still...what was that look Eddie had given him? He couldn’t remember the last time someone looked at him that way- not even the hypochondriac himself. This was a new thing right? He took his eyes off the road for only a few seconds to study the sleeping form, stealing glances to see if he was missing something. No, nothing but a man getting some rest. Richie sighed to himself, he’s just overthinking again. Always stupidly hopeful for things he could never have.


End file.
